3 Monumental Steps To Bounce Back From A Dispute
65% of experts claim that communication problems are the number one cause of divorce (& it's likely 90% for employees)
Most problems occur because of poor communication. It's a pandemic that infects all people. They're quick with the trigger and short on aim.
They shoot words out of their mouth (or fingers) like it's a shotgun.
But a sniper is more accurate. He's patient. He only shoots when he needs to. Ready, aim, wait for it, wait for it, fire.
The same with communication.
You never speak to speak. You never reply with emotion. Instead, you get your words ready, aim, and fire only when necessary.
Knowing this, I still made a massive mistake.
I lost a client because I let my emotions craft an email, and my frustration clicked send.
The client initially emailed me, stating how aggravated they were since we didn't release an urgent shipment because they had an outstanding invoice to pay.
They wanted me to be the white knight to save the day, which I sometimes do.
Instead of replying with what Chris Voss calls Tactical Empathy, I replied with emotion.
The customer then replied, "I don't want anything to do with Skylink."
I lost a six-figure-a-year client for one of my Account Executives because I let my emotions get the best of me.
Reacting to emotion is never a good idea.
It's the birthing factory of bad decisions.
It incites a flurry of negative responses that rarely have a good, long-term outcome. Unmanaged emotions create immense pain. Just look how quickly I lost a client, or maybe in your life, how you hurt a loved one, a co-worker, or whoever.
By managing your emotions, you manage your life.
According to Eckhart Tolle, emotion is where your mind and body meet.
"It's your body's reaction to your mind."
If someone does something you disagree with, your heart begins to race, your palms sweat, and you make a silly remark, "you're stupid, stop doing it that way."
Stupid then creates suffering because, as in The Four Agreements—you're not being impeccable with your word.
Your words infect you and everyone around you.
A thought is in your head, while an emotion is mainly felt in the body.
Emotions try to control your body, thus controlling your reactions.
But we all make mistakes. So we need to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Solve any conflict with Empathy, Accountability & Love
When you kill people with kindness, it's hard for them to stay mad.
But, it takes immense self-awareness to realize you screwed up, own it, and find ways to fix the problem. Unfortunately, most people have a barrier between doing-stupid-shit and accepting they messed up and fixing it.
Nobody is perfect, but everybody has a Response Ability, as Sadhguru says:
"My life is 100% my doing, and my response ability dictate the direction."
A great example he gives is:
"If someone breaks your leg you can dwell on getting them back, or getting your leg fixed and going where you need to go. Your broken leg is your karma."
Here's how to use the three in a powerful framework:
Step 1: Empathize with the other person.
Empathy is a powerful skill.
It's the essence of compassion. When you empathize, you understand and share the feelings of another person. You can see things from their perspective and understand their point of view—whether you believe they're right or wrong.
It's how you build trust, communication, and rapport.
All of these things are essential ingredients for strong relationships. It's also a powerful tool for conflict resolution. When you put yourself in another person's shoes, you can see things from their perspective and find common ground.
Empathy takes practice, but it's worth the effort.
Here's how I applied Tactical Empathy to the client I pissed off:
Step 2: Take accountability for your actions (it's rarely just the other person).
We've all been there before—things go wrong, and it's tempting to point the finger of blame at someone else.
However, it's important to remember; we are always accountable for our own actions. It's easy to shift the blame onto someone else. It's a protective mechanism to protect your ego.
But taking responsibility for our mistakes is an essential part of personal growth.
When you take accountability for your actions, you acknowledge you're capable of making mistakes and willing to learn from them. This shows others that you can be trusted; it allows people to move on from difficult situations more quickly.
So next time something goes wrong, resist the urge to pass the buck - instead, take a deep breath and accept responsibility for your part in the situation.
In the long run, you'll be glad you did.
Step 3: Deliver a message full of love.
Love doesn't get enough attention because people are expected to be hard.
Sure, hopefully, you love your family, friends, and people close to you, but to say you "love" a stranger, "eww, gross," or that's what society has conditioned us to believe anyway.
But sending people love, even when you disagree with them, perhaps even when you dislike them, is a powerful way to develop the right karmic energy around you—but doing it for selfish intent isn't the goal.
Compassion is the basis of a bodhisattva in Mahayana Buddhism. They are people who can reach nirvana but delay it out of compassion to support suffering beings.
Whatever you believe, compassion and love are essential throughout your life, even in extremely difficult moments.
So, send them some love—love never hurts anybody.
Tying it all together.
Look at a recent difficult conversation where you let your emotions get the best of you.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you were them? Don't analyze and overthink, even if they screamed at you too.
Just view the situation from their side.
Then, take accountability. Accept that despite the other person's wrongdoings, you too always have a response-ability. You responded in ill as well, so own it.
Finally, deliver a message of love. "Hi x, I'm sorry for how I acted the other day. I was too caught up trying to defend my view that I blocked what you were trying to say—which I fully understand. It was immature. You're incredible, and I wish you nothing but the best."
If you can apply this to all situations, your life will radiate with positivity, and your relationships will transform.
Do they work—deliver some love today; we can all use it.
It leads to incredible things:
